Christmas Blues

I had only heard about it, but I now know firsthand what it is all about.

It is an all-encompassing depression that zaps the mental as well as the psychical energy of your body.

I don't know if it is the expectation that this holiday is about to be ruined like every other one in the last few years, or I just have too much on my mind.

Even when I am able to remember important tasks, using a mind that is working like a rust encrusted engine, I am finding it an almost impossible challenge to do it well, on time, and without checking and re-checking the results.

If I had a prayer, I would pray that this doesn't affect my holiday gifts, and my girlfriend is not upset by the $1200 Espresso machine that I bought for her dog. Just kidding, I didn’t buy an Espresso machine for anybody, much less one that costs $1200. (Sorry folks, since it took me about 15 minutes to write the last paragraph alone, I tried a little humor. I forgot one important point. When you have to explain the joke...)

My ex's relatives are visiting from Atlanta and my youngest son asked if he could go over on Friday night since his Uncle was driving in from Atlanta. He has not seen him since the summer and since I had shopping to do, I had no problem with him going. He said he would be back Saturday.

Since we are scheduled to spend Christmas Eve together (Monday) so he can spend Christmas Day with his Mother and her family, I told him that he would not come back as he promised on Saturday, but he would return on Monday, and only then to retrieve his gifts and leave again.

Before he left, unbeknownst to me, he dismantled the computer modem and took the equipment needed so he could play his video games, leaving me to come home and attempt to locate the spare parts to re-assemble the system so I could get online.

Saturday has come and gone.

Maybe I just expect too much. Is that the Christmas that other single Fathers experience with their children?

PICTURE WHILE I WAS WORKING IN NY

Home from College

My son wanted to come home for the weekend and I told him I could pick him up on Friday and take him back on Sunday.

He said when he got home, he would like to see his Mother on Friday and then come home so we could go out to dinner on Saturday and he could be close to his friends who he wanted to see.

After calling her and letting her know his plans, she insisted he come over on Saturday instead and stay all day. I canceled everything else so my day was ruined but I was glad I would get to see him on Sunday.

On Sunday, he stayed in his room with his brother and his best friend until he had to get ready to leave since his ride was coming in about two hours.

Realizing that we never had our dinner, he asked if we could go to McDonald's or something before he left.

I reminded him we had dinner plans, which he canceled and told him I was really tired of having everything we planned ruined by his Mother.

I told him to just do what he wants. I just don't care anymore.

He will be asking me to come pick him up so he can come home for spring break soon.

Birthday dinner...or not

My son was supposed to go to dinner with me and my girlfriend until I told him it was Saturday, which is the day we always do things.
"Can't you change it?" was his reply. He told me his Mother told me he had to go to his Grandparents for his cousin's birthday party. (A 5 year old girl)

I told him that was the day we were going out and he knew it, and why should I always have to change my plans for somebody else.
He told me he would tell his Mother he was going with us.

I insisted that he do that right away since it was not fair to her to tell her at the last minute.

The day of the dinner I asked him if he had talked to her and he said yes. I asked if she was OK with it and he said, "I'm going with her, she told everyone I would be there."

The "guilt trip." I thought by now she would have suffered enough guilt of her own to be dumping it on someone else.
But, she always surprises me.

I went to dinner with my girlfriend and had a nice dinner. I asked a friend for a recommendation and it was quiet and relaxing.

Selfish

My oldest son asked me to take him to open a bank account since he is leaving for college soon.

I made time to do it, but before we left he had to call his uncle to ask him what he should ask about.
I make twice what his uncle makes, but I know nothing about opening a checking account.

Then, afterwards, I asked him if we could stop at the DMV so I could get new tags for my car. He asked how long it would take because he felt I should take him home first so he would not have to wait.

No place for me here

There wasn't an ounce of regret that my Father's Day was ruined.
There is some attempt on my eldest son's part to "make nice" but his college tuition is due soon so that's understandable.
I have decided to go headfirst into my work for the next few weeks, and do what I always do.

ENJOY IT NOW

My youngest son had planned to go to Atlanta for a vacation, but I had asked him to come with me to see my Mother first who is getting old and who he hasn't seen for 2 years.

We had decided to go see her right after school closed (6/8) so we could be back and he could plan the rest of the summer. He couldn't commit to that because of Atlanta.

Today, he announces he is going to Atlanta and has no idea when he will be back.

Gain of custody/loss of sons

Since I have been without custody for so long, my kids are used to celebrating holidays with my ex's family.

I found out that now this extends to Father's Day.
She made them get up at 10AM to be at her Father's House so they could see him.

After letting my kids know that we had to go to dinner at 3pm, they called 2 hours late and asked where we should meet.
I had left about 1.5 hours after waiting, and it didn't bother anyone but me that being two hours late without calling might be a problem.

I have no reason to be here if my kids hardly care enough to show up for Father's day dinner.

Things to Do

My son is starting college and I have to make sure there is enough money to get him through the four years.
I am starting to sell my personal belongings to put the money away for his tuition.
If I can get $40,000 together, he should be set.

I have another son going to college in about four years. I will be gone by then. You can see where this battle will be tough to win.
I know some will say if I work just as hard to get out of my financial bind I would be OK. That is just not the case.
I have done the math.

I am very close to financial ruin.
Not the kind where you move down to a smaller house or a less fancier car. The kind where I would have no money to perform my job which would render me unable to care for my kids.

Reason Two

My oldest son went off to college so it is just me and my 14 year old at home.
I have to travel for work a few days a week and I hate leaving him at home.

His mother is aan alcoholic who lives with her parents and is not close enough to take care of him.

My girlfriend takes him out to dinner when I am away.

He actually doesn't mind the few days a week I am away. At 14, I would have loved it.
Then again, he doesn't have to live with my Father.

Day One

I will be blogging until I have to go away.
It may be a year, possibly two.

I am a single father of two teenage boys, one in college and the other "living" at home.

If you call living, playing video games all day long in his room when not in school.
He does well in school so I cannot complain. I am just missing the little kid who used to jump in my bed and wake me up.

It's like a break of sunshine coming through dark clouds when he does appear and we chat.

I love him so.